Nothing has been established. I’m not ready. I’m so not ready. I thought I had four years to prepare for my retirement in which time I would have built up a successful business(es), found my future hubby and be preparing to elope and spend all the wedding money on a 6 month around-the-world adventure/relaxing/exploratory honeymoon.
But I’m four years’ early and now I’m going through an accelerated discovery period. It’s a struggle. I’m trying to rediscover productivity without purpose. Well, I guess that isn’t possible. That’s like trying to drive to a destination without a destination. That’s like wanting to do something fun like visit Santa but not knowing whether Santa lives in the North Pole or the South Pole. In fact, it’s even worse, because at least you know what you want to do – visit Santa – and you can figure out the logistics easily (Google). I don’t even know that much! I feel like I’m floating purposelessly through life (erm, the last 2 weeks anyway. I should probably cut myself some slack, huh?). But what even is my job now? What do I even say when people ask, ‘what do you do?’ ‘Oh, hey! I’m an athlete. Oh wait, no I’m not! I’m a retired athlete…’ I know what I’m not. But I don’t know what I am.
I’ve never been a drifter or goal-less or purposeless.
I’m purpose-driven, goal-oriented and determined towards a specific cause of action.
That’s me. Usually.
Not right now.
And maybe I should just enjoy this time of freeness. Maybe I should enjoy this time of doing nothing. Because there were days when I used to crave days of just doing nothing. But that’s when my other days were crammed from being busy doing something. Living with purpose. And that makes me reflect on the beauty of the contrast theory (which I wrote about here).
Without the darkness we would not know what light is.
I need to have this time of purposeless, hopeless, directionless living to know how much I really truly appreciate the ‘hecticness’ of my usual purpose-driven, ‘busy’ (but so much more exciting than it is now) life. So that in the future, once I discover who I am again, I won’t complain about my busyness (or p’raps I will, but hopefully I’ll reflect on this time and immediately count my blessings).
And at first I didn’t want to post this, and whilst I’m typing this I’m thinking about how awful this may look to my readers – the usual positive, upbeat Abi who aims to inspire hope and motivate people to see and achieve their greatness – that Abi…is she gone? Right now, she’s definitely hiding. But she’s coming back out slowly.
Please allow me my grieving period. I’ll be back smiling again.
After all, what hasn’t killed me will make me stronger….
Thanks for sticking with me! Check out my archives for some more cheery posts, particularly the Motivational Stories series!
Connect with me here:
LinkedIn: ABIGAIL IROZURU